As we continue Our Journey to parenthood we presently sit in the place of waiting. This January as part of the Awaken21 fast, Robert and I devoted the month to fasting and praying for our babies. Truly for the first time asking the Lord for children, and specifically this month to get pregnant. In deciding on this bold decision Pastor Greg challenged us as a church to pray bold, specific and persistent prayers for our needs and heart's desire...in that moment of processing with the Lord, I felt him say, "you haven't even asked me for your children". It really hit me, I hadn't asked, partly because I was afraid if I did then it may not happen and also, it is hard to dwell and think on it everyday. God put this verse from James 4 on my heart.
I was convicted, so we prayed and asked.......and waited. As the fast has concluded for us and we are still waiting, doubt has crept in. Why hasn't he answered our prayer? I can tell by my body that I am most likely not pregnant and will find out for sure very soon. I have had to come to terms with the fact that we are still waiting.
The other morning the Lord woke me by stirring my thoughts on this place of waiting. I find this is the best place for the Lord to speak because my mind isn't filled with my thoughts, it's quiet and rested. These questions came: why are we still waiting? what is the purpose in it? what is the Lord's reason?
The Lord took my mind back to a place where I was in college before I met Robert, I was waiting then...waiting to meet my husband. It was then that he answered my prayer with this: I was waiting because it wasn't time yet. This is a simple answer, but to acutally accept it, for me, was difficult. The Lord showed that he had work for me to do for His kingdom BEFORE I met this man, valuable work to give my time to, that would Glorify Him. I needed to fully trust Him with the piece of my future that he would bring my husband at the right time. And he did.
The other day another thought, "Is this that same place of waiting from before"? Maybe right now I am more valuable to the Father because my thoughts aren't full of pregnancy, babies and plans for nurseries. That maybe now, just as before he has more work for me until he brings His promise of family to pass. Honestly....I was angry. The idea of still waiting disagreed with every once of my thoughts. I told Robert, "I know I need to give God my trust with this but I just want to punch something". I don't want to trust him....I confessed it so that I could start to fully trust him. I know in my heart that is best.
So as we continue in this place of waiting, there is one thing I am reminded of: God is Faithful, so we will wait. It may be a daily battle, but by his grace, I will set my heart and mind on the work he has for me now before our babes come, believing that it is His will for me. I will trust in His promise of our children, and rejoice in their coming some day.